Spoons – The balance between denial and acceptance

Days like today are the worst; the pain is so widespread it’s just bearable. It’s more of a constant general widespread pain that is just below the level of wanting to cry – just as long as I don’t move.

Times like these leave me stuck in a prison of walls and frustration. Because it’s so widespread, it’s scraped me needing to go to the hospital and being drugged up.

Instead, I’m stuck in my house, trapped inside my head thinking about everything – team this with my good old pal anxiety. I’m in for a real treat.

Anyone that suffers from chronic pain will probably know much like me. That sometimes these days are self-inflicted. I’ve well and truly used and abused my spoons (for anyone who doesn’t know about the spoon theory have a read).

Mostly I’ve tried to be ‘normal’. Refused to remember my limitations, assumed I was superwoman. Result – I’ve pushed my body way more than I know I should have.

This flare up – today’s flare-up it is self-inflicted, and I’m now sat here mentally somewhere between pride and frustration.

Proud because for me, I achieved so much. Frustrated that I’ve allowed my pigheadedness to lead me here yet again.

I’m stubborn; I will at least admit this mainly as it’s impossible to hide.

I know for those around me, it’s painfully frustrating to watch. Looking at me doing a mundane pile of tasks, and repeating ‘sit down’ ‘stop it, I’ll do it’ and ‘your pushing yourself too far’ because you know the outcome. I’m just too damn stubborn today to accept my newfound limitations.

I suppose this is just kind of me trying to explain to those of you supporting me or anyone with a chronic condition, that we’re still learning to adapt to new limitations. It’s hard, harder than anyone could imagine.

 I know at times I’m pushing my luck. That in reality, I’m making things worse.

I know from the outside it makes no sense to you why I would want to cause myself pain and exhaustion. Why I won’t just accept all the help in the world. But to me it does.

It’s me frantically grasping at the parts of my independence I’ve lost. Regrettably, it comes with consequences. The consequences that follow my actions. Those of a person desperately clasping onto something that’s slowly slipping away.

Acceptance won’t be instant I know this, I’ll still have days where I’m hell bent on being ‘normal’. The days where you have to watch me play with the big red self-destruct button. For this, I do feel guilty.

All I can say is that with time, patience and no doubt more self-inflicted painful life lessons. I will start to find a happy balance. A balance where I can accept my limitations. So I’m not always angry, upset and frustrated.

Instead of this, I believe I’ll be facing them with acceptance, teamed with your support and the hope that the next day I can do more. Do more without abusing the spoons I’ve been gifted with that day.

 One where I’m no longer in debt with my spoons but appreciating those that I do have.

So please bear with me – I’m trying, learning and slowly adapting. No doubt like many of you out there as well.

I’m trying, just as much as you guys supporting me day in day out are. The end goal? To find that balance, and hopefully, together we will get there sooner rather than later.

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